Awkward Situations Happen (How to Turn Them Into Charismatic Moments)

Howie! What a coincidence, bumping into you here” a vaguely familiar man boomed as I turned around with my friend. “Oh Hi!” I was caught off guard, and I was trying hard to figure out who this person was.

Meanwhile, I was also slightly embarrassed since this was the first time I was out with this girl I met at work. Was it a date? Was it an outing? It was ambiguous at best.

“I’m Dave, from Jeff’s party. I heard this show is pretty awesome” I felt relieved that Dave noticed my bewildered look and offered me an out. “What’s up Dave?” I tried to play it cool and then instantly felt the presence of my friend beside me, awkwardly standing there, silent.

When I opened my mouth to introduce her, it blanked. I blurted out “This is Mark.”

Her first name was Ashley, her last name was Mark.

I cringed the instant the words came out of my mouth and time stopped for me as sweat beaded on my forehead.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there.

The truth is awkward moments aren’t uncommon.

• A fist-bump meeting a high-five

• Offering a handshake but left hanging

• Forgetting a name and waiting too long to ask

• Saying something insulting without knowing it

• Telling a sarcastic joke, but no one caught the sarcasm

• A piece of spinach in someones teeth and you didn’t tell them

In fact, studies have shown that awkwardness is a reflection of being more social: prosociality. Observers in a series of studies rated individuals who displayed embarrassment as being more prosocial and less antisocial, relative to people who displayed either a different or no emotion [1].

But feeling awkward is painful. Literally.

Social rejection actually shares the same neural activation as physical pain [2]. In addition, the feeling of embarrassment and awkwardness becomes significantly higher, as measured by brain activity in the medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) and several other areas previously determined to be involved in understanding the perspectives of others [3].

So being awkward is natural, even perceived as prosocial. But how do we make it hurt less? What can we do in networking situations? What could I have done to emerge legendary instead of lame?

BASE PRINCIPLE

WHAT IF?

What if you had the skills to face any awkward situation and emerge charismatic? How will that change the way you feel about social interactions? Would you say yes to more social events?

Here are 7 practical ways to prevent and address awkward situations, turning them into charismatic moments

​1/ Commit to a greeting

Missed high fives, awkward hugs, or odd waves. When you meet a person IRL, you need to commit to a greeting. A hug can be too much, a nod can be too little. Depending on where you are in the world, and the situation, the key is to commit to one thing and stick with it. This shows confidence and prevents awkward misses. (In the U.S. for guys, I choose the fist bump, thumb on top, like you are holding a mug. It’s hard to miss and the short physical contact builds rapport.)

2/ Show your palms

Not knowing what to do with your hands can be awkward. A tip? Use them and show your palms. It speaks to your openness and projects a level of confidence. People who hide their palms or have limited hand gestures feel like they are hiding something.

3/ No one word answers

The sure fire way to awkward situations is when a conversation stops and there is just silence… To take from the most basic rule of improv - always give more than a yes or no answer, even to a yes or no question. Yes and… No and… explain why, talk about what the questions reminds you off. Imagine you are playing a game of Keepee Upee, making sure the balloon (conversation) never falls to the ground.

4/ Provide emotional context

When no one can tell whether you are joking or being serious, you can be falling head first into awkward territory. This is especially true when you are being sarcastic. Take for example someone asks you “How was your vacation in Italy?” and you say “It was terrible, who can eat pasta everyday for 3 weeks?” with a straight face. So give emotional context, if it’s sarcasm, give a huge grin.

5/ Laugh when being teased

I’ve heard this saying “The best friends make fun of you in your face and support you behind your back”. So the next time you are being teased by a good friend, or even a new acquaintance, you will exude charisma when you laugh along with it or better yet, double down on that joke and take it one step further. “Howie, do you know why Google Maps never go on vacation? Because you need it 24/7” and then I say “Dude, now you know why I was lost for a good 20 years of my life!”

6/ Call out the awkwardness

Awkward situations will happen and a great way to minimize it charismatically is to call it out. Maybe you and your buddy didn’t connect on the high-five or you forgot the persons name and didn’t it for a long time. Bring it out into the open “Dude, that was a terrible high-five, I’m embarrassed” or “Hey, I’m absolutely shocked at myself for forgetting your name? What is it again? Sorry, this is embarrassing” When you deliver this with a nice smile and complete presence and warmth, your awkwardness just became an opportunity to be charismatic.

7/ Pivot. Hard.

Sometimes all your efforts fail. Awkwardness just keeps knocking on the door, in fact, it’s already in your living room, refusing to leave. So instead of rationally trying to push it out. Pivot. Hard. A brilliant move by the lovable awkward celebrity Aubrey Plaza was when she found herself in terrible awkward territory with Conan O’Brien and she blurted out “Will you marry me?” It had nothing to do with the conversation, but it was the Control. Alt. Delete. (for those 80s kids like me) of awkwardness. You reset the conversation with a nonsensical phrase (bonus for something positive) and a laugh.

BONUS

This is Legend Level stuff. When you’ve embodied this belief, you can take on the giant of awkwardness without batting an eye.

↳ Let go of trying to manage other people’s opinion of you - your own opinion of you matters most.

Pick one thing and practice it the next time you are with other people. Always remember that awkwardness is an expression of our social selves and there is nothing to fear.

In a dimension where Howie was legendary, he said this “Mark? Sorry, I am having a severe brain fart, I can’t believe I am drawing a complete blank. Wow!”

See you next Sunday, Legends.

Live your legend,

Howie Chan

Creator of Legend Letters

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References:

1. Feinberg, Matthew et al., Flustered and faithful: embarrasssment as a signal of prosociality, J Pers Soc Psychol., 2012 Jan, 102(1):81-97 - LINK​

2. Kross, Ethan et al., Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain, PNAS, 2011 March, 108 (15)6270-6275 - LINK​

3. Kill, Carina et al., That’s Cringe: The Neuroscience Behind Embarrassment, Grey Matters Journal, 2021 May, Issue 20 - LINK