Conflict is a Part of Life (How to Lean in & Leave an Impression)

My heart was racing. Pretty sure it’s pounding at above 100 bpm.

My chest was rising and falling quickly.

I was flushed.

“Your workshop exercise makes no sense! I think it’s a waste of time and we should consider calling the whole thing off.” The room was silent. I felt like I swallowed a frog… and the hairs on my neck began to rise.

Conflict drives our physiological response that’s passed down from generations.

When we face conflict, our body activates its sympathetic nervous system, secreting epinephrine (aka adrenalin) and norepinephrine. In addition, steroid hormones such as cortisol are also released. This cascade of chemicals are critical to our survival. It’s great, but this stress also decreases the activity of neurons in the frontal cortex and activates the amygdala, thus increasing the odds of impulsive behavior.

Should we just run away from conflict?

Jordan Peterson, a Canadian psychologist and author wisely suggests “Conflict avoided is conflict delayed”. My interpretation? Conflict is inevitable, either address it as it occurs or wait till it festers and grows bigger and you’ll have to tackle it anyway.

I opt to face baby conflict, not big bad grown up conflict.

So how do we face conflict and emerge charismatic?

• Giving a bad review

• Having to fire someone

• Facing an obnoxious customer

• Being challenged in front of an audience

• Presenting to a vicious board of directors

• Negotiating with cut throat procurement officers

BASE PRINCIPLE

WHAT IF?

What if you were confident about heading into conflicts? What if you were able to not just learn from conflict but leave the other person with a better impression of you?

Will you be more confident in negotiations or to speak up?

Here are 9 ways to own conflicts and come out absolutely charming.

1/ Stay calm: the 4-7-8 technique

When you step into an intense situation, it’s essential to remain calm and not react immediately. It’s not easy, but the best way to do that is to focus on physical sensations, because our reaction to conflict is so physical. This can be wriggling your toes, touching the table with your hands, anything to ground yourself in the physical space so you get out of your own head. A technique that works really well is the 4-7-8 breathing technique. Dr. Andrew Weil, physician and author, describes this technique as “a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system.” Breathe in for 4 counts, hold your breath for 7 and exhale slowly for 8.

2/ Ask questions respectfully

Be curious. Conflicts exist for a reason and if you don’t truly understand the conflict, it’s pre-mature to react. Also, asking questions help you to be more empathetic to the person who is behaving aggressively. This is a key step in reconciling perceived behavior and true intent. Ask questions like “What’s your perspective?” “Where are you coming from?”

3/ Embrace vulnerability

When it feels like a vulnerable part of us is being attacked, we feel the stress and react instantly. We get triggered. The next time you have a conflict, ask yourself questions like “what vulnerability did this trigger?” “what is making me feel unsafe?” If it feels appropriate, share that vulnerability “I feel hurt when you don’t support me in front of our kids, because it reminds me of the time when my brother told on me, where I expected us to be on the same team, but felt betrayed when he did”

4/ Acknowledge you don’t enjoy conflict

Being transparent upfront about the situation brings warmth, it reminds the other person that you care and you are not a cold hearted b*tch. “To be honest, I’m really uncomfortable. It’s taken me a long time to gather up courage to tell you because I love you”.

5/ Empathize through story

We’ve all been there - a driver cutting you off and riles you up. What if instead of swearing and cursing them out, we make up a story about why they did that? Maybe they are rushing to the hospital to see their dying mother, maybe their kid in the car just swallowed a toy? When you give a back story to whomever is causing you stress, you will immediately feel that tension melt away. True or not, you’ve just put yourself in a more confident and charismatic state.

6/ Confront a behavior not the person

One of the ways conflict becomes a downward spiral is when each person is pitting their identity vs. the other. Instead of talking about the person, point to a behavior. This works well at work, but also with kids. Focus on the act rather than the person and you’ll find tensions easing up.

7/ Embrace ambivalence

Ambivalence allows us to hold multiple truths, even if they might seem in conflict. A bad behavior from an awesome kid, we feel hurt but we still love them, we are in conflict but we are kind. Negative and positive can be both true. This mindset can help turn down the volume on the conflict.

8/ Hold yourself accountable

Sometimes we blow up. We are not perfect robots, and so we should never aim for perfection, just progress. But when we do, acknowledge and hold yourself accountable for the aggressive behavior. Apologize warmly, respectful, and in full presence (eye to eye, open palms, face the other person squarely).

9/ Protect your peace

Know when to pull the plug. While the goal is to come out of a conflict unscathed and even being seen as charismatic, know that sometimes things will still go awry no matter how hard you try. It is not your job to be a therapist to everyone. So when it gets too much, you should bail. It may mean leaving a job or a relationship because chronic conflict does affect our health.

Recap

1/ Stay calm: the 4-7-8 technique

2/ Ask questions respectfully

3/ Embrace vulnerability

4/ Acknowledge you don’t enjoy conflict

5/ Empathize through story

6/ Confront a behavior not the person

7/ Embrace ambivalence

8/ Hold yourself accountable

9/ Protect your peace

Nine things are a lot of things. Start with the first one - keep calm, don’t react, practice breathing. Once you do that, your frontal cortex can get back to analysis and determine the best course of action.

PS. I was able to pivot during the workshop, but it was definitely traumatic. Now I’m better equipped to lean into conflict.

See you next Sunday, Legends.

Live your legend,

Howie Chan

Creator of Legend Letters

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Sources:

1. Tank, Aytekin, 3 Expert-Backed Strategies for Staying Calm in Times of Confrontation, Entrepreneur Magazine, 2022 Jun - LINK

2. Opong, Diana et al., How to Tackle Work Conflict Head-On, MPR News, 2022 April - LINK

3. Franco, Marisa G., The Science of Conflict, Psychology Today, 2023 May - LINK

4. Sapolsky, Robert M., Doubled-Edge Swords in the Biology of Conflict, Frontiers in Psychology, 2018 December, Volume 9 - LINK

5. Su, Amy J., 3 Ways to Stay Calm When Conversations Get Intense, Harvard Business Review, 2016 June - LINK