People Can Be REALLY Stubborn (The Best Ways to Change Their Minds)

Have you met someone so stubborn it boils your blood?

I’m sure you have. Humans are generally stubborn!

In our work and in our lives, much of what we do lies in persuading others.

• Convincing our boss of a new project

• Influencing leaders to invest resources

• Getting our families to go along on an adventure

But when the people we are trying to persuade are so stubborn, we feel like the battle is lost before we even tried.

You know who Steve Jobs is. The co-founder of Apple, the creative genius and one of the most admired innovator of our generation. People often study his style and his genius, but what is often left out is that he is incredibly stubborn. Not only that, he is somewhat narcissistic, disagreeable, and a “know-it-all”.

If there weren’t people around him who were able to persuade him, he might not be the creative genius we revere today. Take the iphone for example, he was initially totally against the idea.

This example shows us that persuading those who might seem unpersuadable is possible!

Jonas Kaplan, a psychologist at the University of Southern California performed a fMRI study on 40 participants to try and understand what happens in the brains when we resist changing our minds.

Participants were exposed to political and non-political statements, then they were given exaggerated statements to try and change their minds all while their brains were being scanned. Two findings that stood out:

1/ Political issues were harder to budge than non-political ones

2/ Political issues activated parts of the brain synonymous with identity

This small study confirmed other studies to show that when people take a political stance, it’s very much intertwined with their identity and that’s a key reason why it’s hard to change their minds.

BASE PRINCIPLE

Don’t fight their identity, flow with it.

It’s never productive to tell someone that they’re wrong and go against their tightly held beliefs and identity, instead of going at it head first, you need to flow with their identity and gently nudge them to a different place.

WHAT IF?

What if you had the skills to persuade even the most stubborn people? What if you were able to influence the people in your team? What if you were able to get people to see your side of the story?

Wendell Weeks, the CEO of Corning, developed the glass used in the iPhone. This collaboration began when Steve Jobs contacted him, disappointed that the prototype iPhone's plastic screen was prone to scratching. Jobs sought a durable glass cover for the device. Although his team had tested Corning's glass and deemed it too weak, Weeks offered to discuss some new options with any technically proficient Apple team members. Jobs insisted he was capable of understanding the technical details himself.

During a meeting in Cupertino, Jobs tried to dictate the production process for the glass. Instead of contesting, Weeks listened, and it soon became apparent that Jobs lacked a complete understanding of glass production. Seizing the opportunity, Weeks approached a whiteboard and offered to explain some basic glass science to foster a productive discussion. Jobs was receptive, and Weeks was able to outline the glass composition, highlighting molecular structures and the exchange of sodium and potassium ions. Eventually, they proceeded with Weeks’s method. On the iPhone's launch day, Jobs sent Weeks a congratulatory message, which he has since framed: “We couldn’t have done it without you.” (See the email here)

Think about what might have happened if Weeks just pushed back right away? History might have been rewritten.

The most important thing when trying to change the mind of someone is to match your strategy to the person.

Here are four difficult personality types and the corresponding strategy adapted from the book, Think Again by Adam Grant:

ONE: The Know-It-All

These are the folks who are over confident with their knowledge. They think they know everything.

Strategy: Let them explain everything.

Once they recognize the gaps in their thinking and the lack of depth in their knowledge, that’s where you can start to nudge them.

TWO: The Stubborn Mule

These are the ones who pride themselves in sticking to a decision, valuing consistency and certainty.

Strategy: Let them take the reins.

The more you take away control, the worse it will get. Instead, approach them with half-formed ideas and invite them to co-create the final product.

THREE: The Narcissist

Narcissistic leaders think of themselves as superior and special, believing in their own hype.

Strategy: Praise them in other dimensions.

If you are trying to nudge them on an issue involving how they are treating their team, trying praising their creativity or ability to sell, stay away from the issue at hand. They are much more likely to be swayed once they know they have your respect.

FOUR: The Contrarian 

Contrarians enjoy being disagreeable. They are all about beating their competition and if you try to sway them, you are the competition.

Strategy: Have a backbone.

Find a passionate point to disagree with them. Because the contrarian enjoys conflict, don’t back down, keep the discussion going and they will ultimately respect your “disagreeable” nature.

One your have the overarching strategy, use these 5 tactics from the book Mindstuck by Steve McMillan:

1/ Reframe

Try to reframe the issue through priming (warm up their brains by reminding them of an experience that aligns with the direction of your nudge or introduce something thought provoking), contrast (show the disconnect between their current behavior and beliefs) and lastly word choice (change the words, eg. from “used” to “pre-owned”).

2/ Build affinity

They say “bigotry cannot survive intimacy”. Find something that bonds you both, no matter how small. A study showed that even being on the same side with regards to the weather opens the person up to your point of view.

3/ Preserve dignity

To win someone over, you have to let them save face. it’s not about the change that freaks people out, it’s their loss of pride, power, or comfort of certainty. So always ask open ended questions, give options, and give them a solid reason for why they believed in something different in the first place.

4/ Harness conformity

Social proof is key here. When their peers or members of their own community see it your way, they are more likely to sway. You can also manufacture conformity by sharing a laugh or moving in sync in some way. Our innate desire to be part of something, to conform and cooperate in some way can be significant in your quest to change their minds.

5/ Employ empathy

Last but certainly not least. Really seek to understand their point of view. Be the person who is not trapping them or using the conversation to criticize. Who are they? What do they believe in? Why? That act alone can bring someone close to you to sway.

Good luck changing the minds of those stubborn ones (I’m one of those 😂)

See you next Sunday.

Live your legend 🤘🏽,

Howie Chan

Creator of Legend Letters

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Sources:

1. Grant, Adam, Persuading the Unpersuadable, Harvard Business Review, March 2021 - LINK​

2. Resnick, Brian, A New Brain Study Sheds Light On Why It Can Be So Hard to Change Someone’s Political Beliefs, Vox, January 23, 2017 - LINK​

3. McQueen, Michael, Mindstuck: Mastering the Art of Changing Minds, Book, 2023 - LINK​

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