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10 Phrases That Kill Trust Instantly
Which do you say daily and what should you say instead.
Howie Chan
October 12, 2025
🚨 SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! 🚨 (at the end of this email)
Dear Legend,
Trust is one of the most important elements of a functioning society. Think about it. Everytime we step out of our homes, drive on the roads, we trust others to obey the rules so we’ll be safe.
Trust is also one of the strongest levers of influence.
It’s critical whether you’re leading teams, selling ideas, or closing deals. We keep our distance from those we don’t trust and open our doors to those we do.
So…
Gain trust and doors open.
Lose it and everything starts to breakdown.
Why?
❤️ Heartset: Losing trust creates a wound
When trust breaks, it doesn’t just reset the relationship to zero. It leaves a scar. People don’t just become cautious, they protect themselves. They might not remember what exactly happened, but they will always remember who broke their trust. Do you remember a time when someone broke YOUR trust? A company selling you something that wasn’t true, a person who said X, but did Y?
Rebuilding takes exponentially more time, care, and proof than it took to earn it in the first place. That’s why trust isn’t a soft skill. It’s the foundation everything else stands on.
So how does trust form?
🧠 Mindset: From “Trust is automatic” → “Trust is earned with every word.”
Most people assume trust is granted by default and lost only when something big happens.
But in reality, trust is built (or eroded) in micro-moments. These are the casual phrases, the offhand comments, the way you frame your message. The biggest impact is when you are face to face with someone.
(But can we build trust through the webcam? Watch this short video from neuroscientist Dr. Paul Zak to find out)
Here is what’s happening:
Trust isn’t just psychological, it’s biochemical.
When someone acts with kindness, keeps a promise, or simply looks you in the eye with sincerity, your brain releases a neurochemical called oxytocin, often dubbed the “moral molecule” or “love hormone”.
Oxytocin makes us feel safe.
It lowers stress, increases empathy, and strengthens social bonding.
It’s the reason we’re more likely to cooperate, forgive, and believe someone we trust.
But here’s the catch: oxytocin levels are context-sensitive.
It spikes when we feel understood, respected, and valued…
…and it drops when we sense manipulation, condescension, or threat.
Every phrase you use either releases oxytocin or triggers cortisol (the stress hormone).
Language that builds trust activates calm and connection.
Language that erodes trust activates vigilance and defensiveness.
Want to see if you’re releasing oxytocin or cortisol?
🧰 Skillset: 10 Things You Say That Make You Less Trustworthy (And What to Say Instead)
1. “Honestly…” / “To be honest…”
Why it erodes trust: According to Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, hedges like “honestly” imply prior dishonesty, triggering subtle distrust.
Say instead: “Here’s what I really think…” or simply state your message without the hedge. Trust is earned through consistent action, not prefaced words.
2. “Trust me…”
Why it erodes trust: Verbal appeals to trust actually lower credibility. People trust proof, not pleas.
Say instead: “Here’s what I’ll show you…” or “Here’s what I’ve done before.”
Demonstrated authority > declared authority.
3. “Everyone is saying…”
Why it erodes trust: Vague social proof is empty. It’s like quoting a crowd no one has seen.
Say instead: “Three of our key partners told us…” or “The leadership team is aligned on this.”
4. “Ultimate… Best… Innovative…”
Why it erodes trust: Exaggeration triggers skepticism. It’s puffery, not proof.
Say instead: “Here’s what makes this different…” or let others praise you.
5. “You should…” / “You need to…”
Why it erodes trust: Commands trigger psychological reactance — people push back when they feel their freedom is restricted.
Say instead: “One option to consider is…” or “Here’s what worked well for others.”
6. “No offense, but…”
Why it erodes trust: This primes the listener to expect something offensive. It intensifies, not softens, the blow.
Say instead: “Can I offer a different perspective?”
7. “I don’t have time for this…”
Why it erodes trust: Trust is built on ability + integrity + benevolence. Benevolence erodes fastest.
Say instead: “This is important, let’s find the right moment to discuss it.”
8. “That’s just how it is…”
Why it erodes trust: Fixed-mindset language signals rigidity, not leadership.
Say instead: “Here’s how we can work through it.”
9. “Always” / “Never”
Why it erodes trust: Absolutist language oversimplifies reality, triggering skepticism.
Say instead: “In most cases…” or “Often, what we see is…”
10. “This might sound stupid, but…”
Why it erodes trust: Self-handicapping undermines your own credibility before you’ve even spoken.
If it’s smart, people will know. If it’s not, hedging won’t help.
Say instead: Just say it.
Each of these phrases triggers subtle psychological reactions:
Reactance: People resist being told what to do.
Skepticism: Absolutes and puffery make us defensive.
Doubt: Hedges signal insecurity or manipulation.
Perceived arrogance: Dismissive language kills benevolence.
Trust isn’t just “nice to have.” It’s the foundation of persuasion, leadership, and influence.
Ask yourself:
Which of these phrases do I say most often?
How might others perceive me when I say it?
What would change if I replaced it with trust-building language?
Early in my career, I used “To be honest” all the time in client meetings. I thought it was something that made me a trusted advisor, that I am the person you trust to tell you the truth. It didn’t. One client quietly told me after a meeting, “If you need to tell me to trust you, I probably don’t.” That was a turning point.
Trust isn’t something you demand.
It’s something you design word by word, action by action.
This week on the pod:
The Legend Effect Podcast
In this episode, I reveal why the stories you tell determine how unforgettable you become.
We break down the neuroscience of storytelling: why your audience’s brain defaults to “ignore mode” and how to flip the switch with a simple 4-part framework. You’ll learn how to turn your personal moments into powerful narratives that build trust, spark emotion, and make people remember you.
🚨 SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! 🚨
Next week, I’m shutting it down.
After 49 episodes, 42,851 downloads, and 45 hours of content… I’m calling it.
But don’t worry, this isn’t the end.
It’s the beginning of something bigger.
On October 19, you will be the first to find out what’s next, plus a gift for you.
Stay tuned. You won’t want to miss this.
I will see you next Sunday, I can’t wait to tell you (you have no idea how hard it has been to keep this a secret for SOOOOO long.)
Make your mark, live your legend 🤘🏽
Howie Chan
Creator of Legend Letters
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